And Then There's the Psychology of it All
Now I'm no expert, not even an amateur, when it comes to psychological ideas, so you'll have to take this with a pinch of salt as I describe my feelings about the gynaecomastia that I'm recently afflicted with.
I've never considered myself a bloke's bloke. Not 'one of the lads'. No interest in sport, not even a drinker.
But breasts! Breasts on a man - no mate that's not a real man.
Breasts, boobs, titties and bazookas are the complete opposite of everything that is male, so it's hardly surprising that when someone lacking these attributes suddenly develops them, it sends them a bit off kilter.
Well, it's been messing with my head (as well as my chest).
Then the clever people tell you that it's your hormones that have gone astray - well it's common knowledge that Real Men don't have hormones (actually they do, all sorts, but I'm sure you get my drift).
For me, there's a lot going on and it's difficult to pin down exactly what my feelings are.
Yes, there is the masculinity side of it, both in looks, body shape, and the need to constantly wear feminine support clothing to stop discomfort (sometimes severe discomfort).
But also there's a sense that I can't escape from any of it, because it affects the way I sleep, the way I dress, the way clothes feel and the way I walk; I'm self conscious about my shape and whether people notice I'm wearing a bra, or see my conspicuous chest bumps no matter how well I try to conceal them.
But it's not a condition that you can talk about outside of a very small circle of trusted family, so you have to do the English thing and reply "Yes, I'm fine, and you?".
Lastly, there is a lingering feeling that these things on my chest aren't really part of me, they are 'other'. This isn't easy to explain or describe, so you're going to have to take my word for this one!
Taken as a whole, this lot, imperfectly described, is why I have relatively high hopes for the counselling that I've been referred to. I want to both accept this different body shape, and get a bit of insight into why it's so bloody difficult to accept.